The other day, I was talking to my friend Thomas about the happy hour I had just been to & we started talking about how some cocktails are “classier” than others. For example, you’d never order a $13 martini as a freshman in college (because honestly, you’re too poor and definitely not coordinated enough to hold a martini glass) just like you probably wouldn’t shotgun a Natty Light as a 40-year-old on a regular basis (although no judgement to those who do, stay lit). It sorta got me thinking how our taste in alcohol drastically changes as we grow up (naturally) & then I thought it would be funny to describe life stages in regards to alcoholic beverages. So here we are–life stages described as cocktails. Enjoy the fun gifs.
Freshman year of college: Smirnoff Shots
And 95% chance they’re raspberry flavor. You don’t know any better & as a young, naive freshman, shots go down like water (one of life’s greatest mysteries). You’re fun! You’re here to make friends! Plus, you’re a little reckless, a little dumb, and just trying to live life to the fullest, shot for shot (probably with “Turn Down for What” blaring in the background). There’s a time and place for cheap vodka shots–thank goodness it’s generally short-lived.
Sophomore Year: Rum & Coke
A year later, you’re probably still taking some gross shots (maybe fireball?), but you’ve graduated to rum & coke or some other kind of mixed drink. You still like to have fun but realize that drinking doesn’t have to be totally disgusting. Now you can cover up the taste with sugary drinks! You have life figured out a little more vs. freshman year, although you’re still an underclassman getting into the same shenanigans weekend after weekend.
Junior Year: Boxed Wine
There’s a big leap between sophomore and junior year with the introduction of (insanely cheap) wine. You’re getting older & realize you should probably step up your drinking game. The bad beer at frat parties is getting kind of old, so you turn to the “classier” option, budget-friendly Franzia. You’re attempting to appear a little more put together, but fall a tad short, just like how “Sunset Blush” tries to be a legitimate rosé. It’s really the effort that counts here.
Senior Year: Cheap Beer
Aaaaahhh senior year. Long gone are the days that you wear heels to the bar and instead show up in the yoga pants you wore to class. By the time you’re a senior, you’ve quit trying so hard in pretty much everything and the same goes for your drinking choices. You’re laid back, easy going & just want to have a good time. Who cares what you’re drinking as long as you’re with your friends! Besides, with the amount you’re drinking on a weekly basis, you can only afford the cheapest option.
Right Out of College: Bourbon
Bourbon kind of comes out of left field when you graduate college, similar to everything else in your life. You’re trying to change it up, shed yourself of your college ways & be an “adult,” so you go for bourbon because that seems more grownup. You may not like bourbon all that much, but this is what you’re “supposed” to be drinking (right??), so you keep ordering it and eventually you start to get used to it (and may actually like it). As my friend Thomas said, “I’m kind of like bourbon, still rough at points but really good at others.” Aka all of adulting.
Early Twenties: Vodka Sodas
With college getting farther and farther in the review mirror, you start to feel a little more put together. Plus, hangovers are getting worse, you prefer boozy brunch to a 2 a.m. rager & the thought of taking a shot makes you want to gag. You’re a little more sensible now so you go for a vodka soda–a classic drink without the frills or fanfare. Vodka sodas get the job done without getting too crazy, mirroring the balance you’re attempting to strike with the rest of your life.
Mid to Late Twenties: Moscow Mule
A Moscow mule is “vodka soda’s better off older cousin.” A Moscow mule is what you aspire to be when you’re in the vodka soda stage. When you get to the Moscow mule years, you’re thriving. You probably have a great career, making a decent income. Maybe you’re engaged or about to buy a really nice apartment/house. You’ve finally “made it” in the adult world & it feels pretty damn good.
Thirties and On: Red Wine
By the time you hit your thirties, you’re probably settled into your adult life. You may have a mortgage. Or a kid on the way. You just want to sit back & unwind, while drinking a really nice glass of red wine. By this point you deserve it–you’ve worked hard to get here and can actually afford a nice bottle on a regular basis. And, like the wine you’re probably drinking, you get classier/better with age. You probably never thought you’d get to this stage of truly enjoying a glass of red wine, but here you are & you’re loving every minute of it.
Whatever you’re drinking, I hope you’re enjoying it & your hangover isn’t too bad tomorrow. Cheers! &.
4 thoughts on “Life Stages Described as Cocktails”
I want to meet this guy Thomas. He sounds like he has it all together
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Yea, he’s a gem. You guys would get along great!
The *accuracy* of this post! Also crying at the Lucille Bluth gif, too perfect.
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haha thanks girl! It was super fun to write. Gotta love a good gif.