The Edge

It all started with my GoogleMaps.

Sitting in my car, I started to type in “home.” I have “home” set to my apartment in Manayunk, although it wasn’t until I was typing it in that I felt weird calling my current apartment “home.” Sure, I love my apartment and love my roommate, but is it really “home”?  And thus, the simple task of opening GoogleMaps lead to a philosophical internal debate about what “home” means to me.

This is what I think about as an “adult.”

“Home” really isn’t my apartment in Manayunk. Nor is it my parents’ house in New Jersey. The closest thing to “home” is Villanova, but hey, I don’t really belong there anymore. So really, where is my “home”?

(Heavy stuff, huh?)

It’s been 313 days since Villanova’s graduation, and just now I’m realizing that I’ve come to The Edge. The Edge of my Comfort Zone to be specific. I’m not sure what took me so long to get here. Maybe I’ve been wandering toward it for a while now, but haven’t realized it because I’ve been looking back so much. But now I’m here, looking over The Edge and wondering how I’m going to get from this side of my Comfort Zone to whatever else is out there.

To be honest, I’m scared sh*tless.

I haven’t been super nostalgic for Villanova since graduation but getting to The Edge made me intensely yearn for the simplicity and familiarity of it. I also realized that 95% of things that make me happy are direct products of Villanova (minus things like my family, childhood friends and my shore house), which I guess leaves me a little bitter since I don’t feel like I belong there anymore.

Minor bitterness and slight angst aside, here I am at The Edge and the only direction I can go is forward. Forward towards what? I have no idea. I’m sad that I can never go back to Villanova. I’m frustrated by how uncomfortable I am moving forward, but part of me is also thrilled by the pure fear and anticipation of not knowing what’s ahead. 

Some cliched over-used motivational quote once told me that you grow most when you reach The Edge of your Comfort Zone. And when I think back at every other time I grew as a person, I remember this intense discomfort but also the incredible things I learned too. As I sit here and write this in my apartment that I pay for, think about the paycheck that I earn & reflect on the accomplishments that I worked for, I realize that I’m really doing this. This whole adult thing. And now it’s going to get kicked up into high gear as I fully exit my comfort zone. That in itself is terrifying, exciting, paralyzing & amazing. And I’m going to try to sit with all those contradicting feelings until they make sense. Or maybe until they don’t and I get more comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Welcome to The Edge. This is where life gets real & we realize what we’re made of. Now it’s just a matter of mustering up enough courage to move forward. &.

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